leaked: early brainstorming sessions at bioware

i have transcribed some recent audio leaks of some early brainstorming sessions held by bioware when they were given the task of building the mmo star wars: the old republic. for the record, i am still subscribed and despite some beefs with the game have no animosity toward it. and, contrary to popular opinion, i actually like bioware. i think they're swell. but leaks is leaks, as julian assange would say, and the world is owed the truth which is out there. real REAL out there. just ask mulder. the names have been changed to protect the guilty. *** bob: right. let's get started. as you're all aware, we've just been given the chance to make the mmo of the next millenium. very exciting. tom: wow 2? bob: don't be stupid, tom. no, we've got star wars. tom: wookiees! bob: what? tom: wookiees. bob: right. great. anyone else have any more gibberish to add? no? good. let's do this. first up, has anyone seen star wars? *silence* lockie: i think i did. is that the one where that guy does that thing? jumps out of, like, the ship? and falls? there's a swordfight, i think. had that guy in it from that other show on tv? that superhero guy. plays the pointy eared guy. what's his name? matthew: nah, that's star trek. bob: have you seen it, matthew? matthew: star trek? bob: no, star wars. matthew: no, but i've got some of the lego. tom: oooh, lego. bob: right then, you can head up the lore department. you know more about it than us. get tom to help you. give him some lego to get started. chan: i want some lego, too. bob: right, get chan a box, too. neville: can i have some lego? bob: can we quit with the lego? *silence* bob: alright, alright. matthew, on monday go out and buy some lego for everyone. put it on the budget. what the hell. we've got a few mill. right. ideas? anyone? mmo? star wars? *silence* bob: does anyone have anything they can think of when they think of star wars? tom: wookiees. jeremy: lasers and stuff. bob: shut up, tom. lasers and stuff. john, write that down. john: *toys with phone* tim: what's an mmo? bob: what? you're working in the game industry and you don't know what an mmo is? i mean, tim! what the hell? cheezus, obama and lemmy. come on, tim. i mean, really? tim: really. what's an mmo? bob: i can't believe you're even asking me that! what's an mmo... tim? you don't even have the faintest clue? neville: noob. tim: i'm not a noob, alright? i just don't know. it would help me to design the levels if i knew what one was, alright? bob: doesn't know what an mmo is. i can't believe it. tim: well? bob: well what? tim: what is it? bob: it's a massive multiplayer game. there. got it? right. tim: no. what's that actually mean? bob: it's massive. it's multiplayer. it's a game. tim: that's what it's called. i know what it's called. but what is it? bob: what do you mean what is it? tim: i mean, what is it? bob: i can't believe you don't know. you have to know. i shouldn't need to explain it. tim: i don't know, alright. don't treat me like a tool, bob. what's an mmo? bob: well. an mmo is, umm. it's, well. it's a, uh, chan, you tell him. chan: why me? bob: you're chinese. you make heaps of mmos. your brother probably owns a gold farming company. chan: no, i don't. i make cut scenes. introductions. i'm an animator, bob. not a game designer. i don't care what kind of game i'm making. and i don't have a brother. but if i did, he'd kick your ass for saying that. bob: okay, well, tom, you tell tim what an mmo is. tom: uh, um. ok. an mmo is, an, umm, game. and you play it with, umm, other people? bob: cheezus, tom. don't you know what an mmo is? tom: not really, bob. sorry. bob: well, does anyone know what an mmo is? *silence* bob: has anyone worked for a company that's made an mmo? *silence* bob: no one? not even played one? tim: that's hardly the point, bob. we can make any game we want. just tell us what it is, and we'll make it. *general rumblings of agreement* bob: look. this is getting us nowhere. look it up on wiki later. for now, let's just agree chan can be lead designer, right? he's the most qualified. chan: uh, bob? i don't think that's what i'm qualifi- bob: chan, cut me some slack here, uh? you'll think of something. you're chinese. you're smarter than us. just go with it, okay? chan: if you say so, bob. can we make a game out of cut-scenes? that could be cool. bob: how the hell do i know? look, it's nearly lunch time. i'm going to need something a little more than this for the afternoon board meeting. has anyone got any ideas? tom: laser swords. bob: what the hell are you talking about? tom: they're cool. bob: tom, this is a star wars game. it means it's science fiction. it's not fantasy. it has guns, i'd imagine. not swords. this is not wow. so, please. sensible ideas. rachel: tom's right, bob. i dated this guy who liked star wars. i think he said there were laser swords in it. bob: rachel, why didn't you tell me you had experience with star wars? rachel: bob, i don't, honestly. i only know about the sword thing because every time this guy was in bed, he'd grab hold of himself and start yammering about something called the force. stupid thing to call it, really. bob: the force? tom? you know anything about that? tom: nope. i could look it up. john: are we sure they're talking about star wars? see, this sounds a lot like that mel brooks film. spaceballs. they had laser swords. and rachel's hearing ain't all that good. maybe she heard "the schwartz"? bob: maybe we should all watch the movie, right? john: spaceballs? bob: no, you football. star wars. *muttering of disapproval and a few half-hearted excuses* bob: now now! we're making an mmo of it, so let's just watch it. anything else for today? *silence* bob: great. i'm off to lunch, and then to the board meeting. in the meantime, tom, you get that lego thing started. i want to see everyone playing with lego by tomorrow afternoon. and chan? chan? are you listening? i want you to plan out this mmo thing by tomorrow. give me something i can put up on youtube. make me a movie for god's sake. chan: movies? awesome. i can do that. tim: i still don't understand what an mmo is. bob: wiki, tim, wiki. rachel? call your ex. find out what he knows about star wars. you're in charge of research. rachel: wait a minu- bob: i'll give you a pay rise. take it out of the budget. rachel: for going near that *unmentionable* again, i'll need a few million. bob: lucky we've got it, then. eric: this could be fun! *silence* eric: sorry. tom: i can't wait to play a wookiee. bob: there you go with that word again. what the hell? tom: wookiee? bob: if i hear that word again, tom, you're fired. john, write up these notes and have them on my desk by morning. john: i recorded it on my iphone. can't i just email the mp3 to you? bob: mp3s are illegal, aren't they? john: i don't think so. tim: i think they are. john: that's stupid. bob: just write it out, john. got a pen? john: a what? bob: *sigh* wiki it, john. wiki it.