(originally posted on www.lucasthorn.com) “we’re going to need a video trailer. everyone does video trailers these days.”
“i agree, video trailers are cool. i love checking them out on youtube.”
“you what?”
“youtube. it’s a website where you can watch videos on. i love the hitler ones.”
“really? get dave onto that. see if we can have one, too. let’s call it blizztube. it’ll be remarkable and fresh. people can put up their videos up and watch them on it.”
“righto.”
“but don’t get any hitler ones. we’re a family friendly site.”
“i’ll get bob to write a disclaimer everyone can sign and get barry and his lawyers set to pounce. should we let cheryl at customer service know?”
“who?”
“cheryl. customer service?”
“we have a customer service?”
“i think so. let me check. hang on. oh, wow. no, we haven’t hired anyone since she left after diablo 1! maybe we should hire someone else?”
“we know any telemarketing companies in india?”
“we own three.”
“then let’s get one of them onto it.”
“one of the companies? any preference?”
“no no. not a company. just get some guy from their complaints department to check the emails every month or so. right. this video? who’ve we got who can make it?”
“well, doug’s pretty good with a camcorder.”
“no, we’re gonna need better than camcorder for this one. this isn’t the staff christmas party. let’s see if we can’t do something fancy. something which will just knock the socks off all those kids playing our games.”
“so, you want to do it properly?”
“yes. for once. we might as well. get max and eric onto it. they always do things right.”
“uh, they’re not with us anymore.”
“really? well, hire them again.”
“we can’t. they’re, uh, competing with us, actually.”
“competing? with what? mobile phone apps?”
“well, probably. but they’ve made a game. torchlight. some people think it’s better than diablo.”
“pfft. torchlight? sounds like a doctor who spinoff to me.”
“doctor who?”
“it’s a british thing, smithers. you wouldn’t understand. you’re not evil. yet.”
“my name’s not smithers, either.”
“well, go get it changed, then. look. if we can’t get max and eric, then get someone competent. who’s that guy who brings us coffee in the morning?”
“that’s lee. he’s the exchange kid from china.”
“sounds great. put him in charge. he knows a lot about coffee, so i bet he’d make a damn good movie.”
“we, uh, think he might also be stealing secrets for a chinese game company.”
“chinese what?”
“game company. they make games.”
“really? what are they like?”
“not bad. bit grindy.”
“sounds awesome. get someone to follow him round, see if we can’t get something from him to use in our next world of warcraft expansion. we need more grindy.”
“are you sure? bev in marketing says gamers these days are looking forward to guild wars 2 because it’s nothing at all like world of warcraft. apparenlty they’re saying grinding is so 2000s and that this is a whole new decade. they want something new.”
“hmm. pandas weren’t enough, eh?”
“it’ll help target the audience you wanted.”
“my nephew, yes. well. he’s only seven. and he loves pandas. we took him to the zoo the other day. he also loves penguins. can we get some more penguins into the game? maybe pop one in with the lich king?”
“if you want.”
“oh, i do, smithers. i really do. now. this kid, lee. get him onto the video. have you sorted out what’s going to be in it, yet?”
“uh, well, you only just brought it up…”
“i pay you to do my thinking for me, smithers, not to wait for me to tell you.”
“well, i guess we should make it kind of dark. diablo was dark. the fans loved that element to it.”
“and fiery! shove a fireball in it for me.”
“from the sky?”
“neat! see, you’re good at this, smithers. write it down. quickly! now, this game you mentioned. this guild wars thing. sounds awful. but you say people like that?”
“bev said so. she checked out the forums.”
“not this star wars thing?”
“well, that’s popular too, but that’s a different game. i don’t think it’s competing with us. i think it’s more trying to be like us. so, no challenge there. it’s the guild wars thing which isn’t looking very nice to our shareholders.”
“hmm. maybe we can do something to knock it down a peg or two. remind it who’s boss of this mmo factory. what’s it got? elves? dwarves? the usual bullshit?”
“mostly. though, i have to say the graphics look quite sweet. uh, i mean, they’re stylish.”
“stylish, you say? well, we could always use some style. i tell you what, smithers. you drop yourself down here into my chair and look up this blizztube thing and see what guild wars movies are out. then, we copy them a bit. only, we’ll do it more stylish, because we’re blizzard. right?”
“uh, i don’t know that it fits with diablo. i mean, guild wars is kind of painterly…”
“painterly, eh? i like that. painterly. nice word. i’m going to have to use that more often.”
“yes, see, it’s a whole different kind of artwork.”
“you’re saying it won’t go with what we do here at blizzard?”
“no. not really.”
“hmm. that’s not good, is it? how are we going to take them down a peg or two if they’re going to go on and be all original?”
“well. you know, maybe we could do it as a dream sequence?”
“dream what?”
“it’s a film technique. we can start the movie with a guild wars 2 style cinematic and then abruptly change to our own style as though it was all just a dream.”
“just a dream? like guild wars 2 is just dreaming if they think they can make a game half as good as warcraft 2?”
“exactly.”
“you know, smithers, i like you.”
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